Defining Love Through Experience

Love is one of the most intensely personal and complex emotions a person can experience. But what if our definition of love isn’t universal? What if the way we love—platonically and romantically—is shaped by the schemas we’ve developed through our past experiences?

Love is simple yet profound for me:

“To love someone is to want to meet their needs because it makes you happy. It means being aware of a vulnerability in how you feel but feeling powerful enough to take that risk to do it anyway.”

— Stephen Reid - Echoes Of Self

It is an act of intentional care, reciprocity, and emotional courage. It means being aware of vulnerability in how you feel yet feeling powerful enough to risk expressing it.

This definition of love is not just an ideal—it is shaped by psychological theories and real-life experiences that influence how we perceive and give love.

Prompting Events for Feeling Love

Love rarely arrives unannounced. It is often sparked by specific experiences—acts, moments, or emotional connections—that create a foundation for growing intimacy. These “prompting events” awaken the feeling of love within us, often without our realising it.

Some of these events include:

Someone offering or giving you something meaningful—emotionally or materially.
I’m surprised by how well someone understands what you need or value.
Witnessing someone consistently align with their values or treat others with kindness.
Shared vulnerability—deep conversations, mutual care, or being seen in your most honest state.
Playfulness and shared joy—laughter, silliness, inside jokes, and quality time.
A moment of safety—feeling that you can exhale emotionally around someone.

These events are like seeds. They don’t guarantee love will grow—but they create the soil for it to take root. And in today’s culture of curated personas and transactional connection, moments of genuine humanity—someone seeing you, showing up for you, or simply being themselves—stand out more than ever. They prompt a feeling not just of affection but of resonance.

When we experience this kind of connection, love begins not with possession but with presence. With a simple sense of: “I see you. I feel safe here. I want to give because it feels good to give to you.” Love often arises from specific experiences or interactions:

When someone gives you something you want or need.
When someone does things that matter to you.
When you admire someone’s qualities or values.
Physical attraction or chemistry.
Spending significant time or sharing unique experiences with someone.
Exceptional communication, laughter, or shared silence.

These moments act as emotional catalysts, prompting feelings of closeness and connection.

Interpretations That Prompt Feelings of Love

The emotional meaning we assign to love-related experiences is as important as the event itself. These interpretations shape the depth, direction, and durability of our love. They are filtered through our existing schemas, attachment styles, and past relational patterns.

Believing someone genuinely cares: When we perceive that someone loves, needs, or appreciates us, it reinforces our sense of worth and relational safety.
Emotional and physical attraction: Thinking someone is emotionally beautiful, physically attractive, or magnetic creates a foundation for building intimacy.
Seeing someone as emotionally safe: Feeling that a person is consistent, trustworthy, and emotionally available builds the courage to be vulnerable.
Feeling understood: When someone sees your emotional world clearly and responds with care, it triggers powerful feelings of connection.
Believing you are chosen—not just accepted: Love deepens when you feel like someone actively wants to be with you, not because they have to, but because they choose to.
Trusting they will be there: A belief that someone can be counted on—especially in difficult moments—amplifies the feeling of love.

These interpretations become the silent affirmations running in the background of our relationships. When rooted in security, they nurture closeness. When rooted in fear or scarcity, they can distort our ability to receive love.

Many struggle to interpret love through authentic lenses in modern relationships, especially in transactional dating cultures. If you’ve been hurt before, compliments might feel like manipulation. If your worth was based on what you could give, genuine care might feel suspicious. Learning to reinterpret love through a healthier lens is part of healing and building secure, reciprocal connections. Our minds influence how we process those experiences:

Believing a person loves, needs, or appreciates you.
Thinking a person is attractive or emotionally beautiful.
Judging someone as trustworthy, reliable, or emotionally safe.
Feeling like someone “gets you”—understanding your inner world.

These interpretations add meaning and depth, giving emotional weight to otherwise ordinary moments. They can strengthen our connection or create distance depending on how safe we feel.

Biological Changes and Experiences of Love

Love impacts the body as much as the heart:

A surge of energy, faster heartbeat, heightened alertness.
Feeling invulnerable, confident, or calm.
Joy, trust, and relaxation around someone.
Wanting closeness, hugs, or physical connection.
Daydreaming, smiling, or a sense of deep security.

This blend of arousal and calm creates the paradox of love—it both energises and soothes.

Expressions and Actions of Love

Love reveals itself through actions:

Verbal affirmations: “I love you,” “I care about you,” or sincere compliments.
Affection: hugging, holding hands, mutual eye contact, touching.
Acts of service: doing things joyfully for the other person.
Quality time: showing up, listening deeply, laughing together.
Non-verbal gestures: smiling, shared rituals, and meaningful presence.

When love is real, actions speak louder than words. It’s in showing up, not just in saying so.

Aftereffects of Love

Love changes how we see the world:

Seeing people through a more compassionate lens.
Feeling more capable, inspired, or hopeful.
Remembering past love and letting it shape your future relationships.
Deepened emotional trust and increased belief in your worth.

The memory of being loved—even platonically—can become a healing force in our lives. It reminds us of what’s possible and reinforces the belief that we are worthy of love again.

To better understand how love manifests in everyday life, let’s examine its mechanics more deeply using elements from dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) and emotion regulation frameworks. Love isn’t just a feeling—it’s a collection of experiences, thoughts, sensations, and actions.

Love Words: The Language of Love

Words associated with love capture its many expressions, including:

Core Feelings: love, caring, compassion, fondness, tenderness
Desire & attraction: attraction, arousal, desire, lust
Emotional connection: kindness, warmth, sympathy, sentimentality
Romantic & Intense States: infatuation, passion, enchantment, limerence

These words reflect how love manifests through a warm friendship, a romantic partnership, or deep admiration that inspires growth.

The Psychology of Love: Why We Love the Way We Do

Attachment Theory (Bowlby & Ainsworth)

Our earliest relationships shape how we love as adults. Attachment theory explains how we are cared for as children and influence how we connect with others in adulthood.

✔ Secure Attachment – Love is built on trust, reciprocity, and emotional safety. People with secure attachment enjoy closeness without fear of losing their independence.

✔ Anxious Attachment – Love feels like an unpredictable rollercoaster, often fuelled by a fear of abandonment and a need for reassurance.

✔ Avoidant Attachment – Love is viewed as a potential threat to independence, leading to emotional distance and fear of intimacy.

✔ Disorganised Attachment —Love is desired and feared, leading to unpredictable emotional responses and difficulty trusting others.

My understanding of love reflects secure attachment—where giving love is an act of joy, not an obligation. When love is safe, vulnerability does not feel like a risk but a natural part of connection.

Self-Determination Theory (Deci & Ryan): Love as Intrinsic Motivation

Psychologists Edward Deci and Richard Ryan propose that true fulfilment comes from intrinsic motivation—doing something because it brings joy rather than external validation. In the context of love, this means engaging in relationships not for status, obligation, or external rewards but because the connection itself is fulfilling. This applies not only to romantic love but also to friendships, family, and even self-love. When love is rooted in genuine appreciation rather than external validation, it fosters more profound, meaningful connections where people are seen, valued, and chosen—not just helpful or convenient.

This can be seen in how people often enter relationships based on societal expectations rather than personal fulfilment. Many people unconsciously treat love as a means to an end—seeking financial security, social clout, or emotional validation—rather than something shared from a place of authenticity. When love is intrinsically motivated, relationships are not about keeping score or fulfilling roles; they become about mutual growth, understanding, and genuine joy in being with another person.

This also affects how people engage with self-love. If self-worth is built on achievements, status, or appearance, then love for oneself remains fragile and conditional. However, when self-love is intrinsic, it becomes stable, nurturing, and independent of external factors—allowing people to engage in relationships from a place of security rather than need.

To love someone is not about sacrifice but about fulfilment. Love is a continuous act of sharing joy and trust rather than proving worth or fulfilling expectations. The happiness in meeting someone’s needs comes from choice, not duty; in doing so, love remains an act of freedom rather than obligation.

✔ love, in its purest form, is intrinsically rewarding.

✔ Meeting a partner’s needs should feel fulfilling, not burdensome.

✔ love driven by obligation leads to resentment, while love driven by joy fosters connection.

To love someone is not about sacrifice but about fulfilment. The happiness in meeting someone’s needs comes from choice, not duty.

The Commitment Equation (Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love)

Psychologist Robert Sternberg developed a model known as the Triangular Theory of Love, which breaks love into three essential components that often work together to create a deeper bond:

✔ Intimacy – Emotional closeness, trust, and vulnerability. It represents the depth of connection that allows individuals to feel seen and understood in relationships.

✔ Passion – Physical attraction and emotional intensity. While often associated with romance, passion can also be present in deep friendships and shared creative or intellectual pursuits.

✔ Commitment – The conscious decision to invest in a relationship. This is not just about longevity but about the willingness to continually choose and nurture the connection, whether with a partner, a friend, or even oneself.

My view of love aligns most with intimacy and commitment—it is a willingness to take the risk of vulnerability because the connection is worth it.

Risk and Reward in Emotional Investment (Gottman’s Trust Theory)

Dr John Gottman’s research on love and trust emphasises that relationships thrive when partners feel emotionally safe.

✔ love requires trust. Without trust, love becomes fear-based, leading to control or avoidance.

✔ love involves risk. Vulnerability is essential, but it must be met with security and care.

✔ Emotional safety strengthens love.

A healthy relationship is one where both people feel safe to express themselves without judgment.

But what does this look like in real life? It looks like someone being able to say “I miss you” without worrying makes them seem needy. It looks like saying, “I need more support,” without it turning into a conversation about inadequacy or failure. It looks like laughing at your partner’s quirks, feeling relaxed in their presence, and knowing you don’t have to be perfect to be loved. It’s in the small moments—when you share your inner world, and they don’t flinch or turn away but lean in.

This was transformative in my own life. I learned that trust isn’t just about someone being loyal—it’s about being emotionally consistent. When someone says they care, you believe them not because of how loudly they declare it but because of how quietly and reliably they show up. Love isn’t a grand performance—it’s the quiet return to safety repeatedly.

Love is a potent risk—but in the right relationship, it is a risk worth taking. It’s not a gamble but a choice made repeatedly, in word and deed, that says: “You are safe with me.” Dr John Gottman’s research on love and trust emphasises that relationships thrive when partners feel emotionally safe.

✔ love requires trust. Without trust, love becomes fear-based, leading to control or avoidance.

✔ love involves risk. Vulnerability is essential, but it must be met with security and care.

✔ Emotional safety strengthens love. A healthy relationship is one where both people feel safe to express themselves without judgment.

Love is a potent risk—but in the right relationship, it is a risk worth taking.

Intimacy Dysmorphia

Many people struggle with feeling emotionally valued despite being desired. This is intimacy dysmorphia—a psychological experience where one may receive affection, attention, or even commitment yet still feel emotionally unseen or unloved. The internal disconnect forms when our emotional needs and core selves go unacknowledged, even as our presence is desired. This can show up in relationships where your partner might say all the right things, offer grand gestures, or express intense attraction—yet you still feel like they don’t honestly know or care for you. In essence, you feel wanted but not witnessed, which creates a profound sense of loneliness within a connection. Healing from intimacy dysmorphia requires us to name our needs, allow ourselves to be known, and choose relationships where emotional presence—not just proximity—is the foundation of love.

✔ True love is about meeting emotional needs, not just providing companionship.

✔ A partner can desire you but not value you emotionally.

✔ love should be about connection, not just proximity.

Love is not just about being wanted—it is about being deeply seen, chosen, and cherished.

The Critique of Transactional Love in All Relationships

Love today often feels more like an exchange of value than a genuine emotional connection. This applies to romantic relationships, friendships, family bonds, and professional interactions. The way relationships are framed in modern culture—primarily through social media and digital interactions—has led to a transactional approach to love in all forms: The way relationships are framed in contemporary dating culture—primarily through social media and dating apps—has led to a transactional approach to love:

✔ What can you do for me? Instead of How do we grow together?

✔ Is this person ‘worth it’? Instead of Do I feel safe and fulfilled in this connection?

✔ Is my partner meeting a checklist of expectations? Instead of Are we creating something meaningful together?

This shift has led to relationships where love is treated as a product, not an experience—whether friendships are based on convenience, familial relationships burdened with expectations, or romantic partnerships measured by personal gain. Genuine love is not about keeping score but about mutual care and trust. Many people enter relationships seeking personal gain—financial, emotional, or social—without truly valuing the person they are with.

Love, Identity, and the Loss of Genuine Connection

A friend once shared her frustration with modern dating—she was tired of men approaching her with rehearsed pitches about their jobs, money, and social status. Conversations often revolved around where they travelled, the events they attended (DLT, Recess, 1Way), and how they fit into a curated lifestyle. But when she asked them why they liked these things, they had no honest answer. They always focused on what they assumed she wanted rather than showing her who they were.

On the other hand, I had routine experiences with women whose conversations followed a similar script. They had a job, went to the gym, and travelled—but that was it. There was no sense of inner self beyond the activities they did. When they spoke of travel, it wasn’t about exploration or curiosity—it was often a way to assert some unspoken status marker. When I asked more profound questions such as what do you find fufilling about your life, I usually found they didn’t like their jobs, held beliefs that didn’t align with mine, and seemed more focused on what they could get out of a relationship rather than forming a genuine connection.

For a while, I couldn’t figure out why these interactions felt hollow—until I met someone who reshaped my understanding of love. I realised that a love of self is more than what we do, where we go, or how we present ourselves. It includes our sense of self, ability to be present, and willingness to engage deeply with others beyond surface-level exchanges.

Schema therapy helped me understand this more. It explores how our core beliefs (schemas) shape our relationships and the maladaptive coping mechanisms we develop over time. My schema used to be unhealthy—I believed my value lay in making others happy at my expense.

In therapy, we gave this an archetype: the Martyr. It was a survival mechanism I had unconsciously developed, a way to find worth in sacrifice. Over time, I had to learn how to live genuinely.

Love isn’t just something we give to others—it is something we hold within ourselves and share. I learned that joy is something we cultivate internally. If I pursued what truly made me happy, eight times out of ten, joy would not elude me. Love is not a bartering system nor a checklist of status symbols. It is a state of being, a sense of deep connection—with us and those we choose to let in.

While this article doesn’t delve deeply into self-esteem, it is essential to acknowledge how much it shapes our ability to love. Without a strong sense of self, we treat love as a transaction, a means to prove our worth rather than an act of presence and care.

But love is not a contract. Love is not about making the wisest choice—it’s about genuinely seeing, supporting, and cherishing someone, even when there’s no direct benefit.

This is not to say that practicality should be ignored—compatibility, shared values, and emotional safety all matter. But when love is stripped down to a calculation, it loses its depth, authenticity, and power.

Love is Not a Transaction

Love is not about checking off a list of qualifications or ensuring maximum emotional investment returns. Love is a choice—a commitment to showing up for someone, not because it benefits you, but because it brings you joy. It’s an active decision to step into vulnerability, not for validation or control, but because presence and connection are intrinsically fulfilling. In a world that often teaches us to measure worth through productivity, performance, and external value, choosing love becomes a radical act of emotional authenticity. It’s not transactional—it’s transformational.

If love feels like a performance, a test, or an obligation, it might not be love. Real love is a risk, a commitment, and a shared experience—and you deserve the kind of love that doesn’t make you question that.

Understanding Love: The Psychology, Meaning, and Personal Truths Behind How We Love